Wonders and ponders

There are times during the day where I can just sit there and wonder and stare and just think for hours and hours why is this all happening? It's like walking HELL at times just thinking about it. and then there is this rush and surge of emotions flooding me all over.

Sometimes I wish, you never came into my life and all this would not have happened and neither would I even be the way I am now, but things do happen for a reason don't it? Since you came into my life, things has been changing, its like a total turmoil change and I don't doubt that this changes have brought about good things and as well as bad things.

There are alot of things that we can never predict that will happen but hey, since when can anyone predict the future and whats to come?

I choose to believe that things do happen for a reason and why we are placed at certain places and why we meet certain people and whatsover.

What we don't do is to sit back reflect and think and ask and ponder upon our thoughts and ask why do this things happen and how we can make the best out of it.I do wonder out loud at times why do such things happen to me? Haven I been through enough of all this? but no this things don't stop happening to me. It keeps on replaying like a videotape in me and worst still it doesn't replay in my head or my mind. REPLAY button plays in reality.

Its like a love-hate relationship that I have now. this whole thing, at times I ask are all this things all worth it? Is it worth all the time and thoughts and everything?

So much has happened and I probably was being just so NAIVE to think that i can handle this all and that none of this would never happen again. BUT YET AGAIN i was kidding myself.

I try so hard to put all this aside and sometimes the harder I try, it becomes like a KNIFE that stabs.

No matter how HARD I were to wish and pray, this things would never change. Only time can heal what has happened and it lies in my hands now as to what will happen in the future.
There are just times where I just want to breakdown and cry and just let it all go but deep within I know tears will never heal this wound you left here in me.

Our place and our life here on earth is just a temporary home, it's up to us to make the best out it. but for now, no matter how BIG OR HOW WIDE a smile I plaster on my face, it's more like a plastic smile just to keep the questions away but deep within its hurting so much, I don't even know how much longer I can keep this up.

and when I thought I was over it all, it comes rushing back to me.