The rain outside makes the whole atmosphere so wet, so dark, so miserable. It seems like along with the rain came along that whole emotional wave all over again or maybe it's just that same time of exam stress bringing it all back again.
A sudden rush of emotions have been filling me since last year's summer holls. No summer holls was not all fun and sun but it was a time where I was really grateful for that it was holls and I had the time to think, to reflect and really determine my actions and make some life changing decisions.
I've had to let go a lot and put myself in a ring of risk, not knowing whether I will loose my best friend based on the circumstances and really letting go of myself allowing myself fall into a pool of emotions and feelings which if I drown again this time, I doubt I can stand up again once more.
I've faced failures so many times and those heart wrenching moments where getting over things is not as easy as it seems to be. I appear on the outside to be someone who has no issues in life but deep within me this issues of life are really killing me on the inside.
For the past whole year God has just been so real and good in my life. I've been blessed so tremendously with the most amazing people and friends that I have and they've walked me through days of tears and happiness. They've been there for me laughing with me during the happy days and been my pillar of strength when I was crumbling down.
Despite all of that, why is that sometimes I still feel so empty on the inside? and why is that when I have finally found that someone that I could really lean on and who has been the one sewing up the scars in me without even realising that, I have to let go and learn to live without you for a period of time. Why is that this must happen?
and why is that I am constantly faced with challenges that comes my way regarding you and that I have to think and face it and embrace it and really learn to put my trust and faith in you.
Everytime I think about leaving, tears will just roll down and i'll endure sleeping on wet pillows and block nose the whole night. I keep saying I can do this I can do this but the REALL SLAPPING TRUTH is I don't even know HOW I CAN DO THIS AT ALL! THE THOUGHT of it even is enough to shoot me straight through my heart and there goes again I'll never have the guts to ever tell anyone that because I'm afraid of people's perception and especially you. I just have to act strong and keep acting and acting till one day I will believe my own acts.
And there are times where I just get overwhelmed by guilt where no matter what and how I hurt you, you will always always be there for me and always be the one who puts it aside.
I really need to start growing up. If I don't I am up for a total BIGG FALL. =/